What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 05:52
I don,t even have a pension.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Should parents force their kids to go to school when they are sick?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i lived it daily.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
When do you feel most peaceful ever?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I think the readers, may guess!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One cannot live in the past .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Comes on , in middle age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I could never make a relationship work though!
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Put me off passion for life!!
He knew the spot.
I was very sick at this time too.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But, we were locked up after school.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why did i forgive my father ?
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I have no regrets .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was 9 years of age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I said to her
I was scared of men, in general
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is soul school!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My life is so biszare .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I never cut or harmed myself..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Would this be the day?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She loved him until the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it wasn’t much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We all went to grammer schools
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i do to all so called friends.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was seconnd youngest,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I write beautiful poetry .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was in good health!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It was going to be , some day.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My family never makes their pension either.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
She married twice! .
What did i know ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
All the time i was locked up.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Especially a lifetime of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I waited trembling.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im still living with it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Was to survive, this bastard.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So, i spoilt her more .
We were not on the streets..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When she asked me how she looked .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.